From the Spot of the Foul

I want my football free

A despondent English football fan writes to musician Mark Knopfler to complain that the upcoming World Cup qualifying match will not be available on standard television - it be shown only online.

How many fingers do you see?

Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss) is aghast at Swiss referee Massimo Busacca's response to fans at a recent Swiss league match.

Your revolution is now being televised

Gil Scott-Heron writes Manchester City's Emmanuel Adebayor to be careful - his recent tactics and tantrums are in full view, and nothing will go unrecorded - and to use his temporary fame wisely.

What color's your parachute?

Sheffield United's Paddy Kenny writes American NFL player Redd to see if he would fit in as an American athlete.

Your cheatin’ heart

Arthur Miller writes Arsenal striker Eduardo to warn him that the witch hunt analogy made by his coach may not be far from the truth, and to instruct the young footballer that he is now in The Crucible of determining what for some is good for the game of football, for better or for worse.

Please take your crawler and…

A despondent Premier League viewer in the United States has had it with ESPN's use of a crawler for score updates during match telecasts, and he vents it all at Dave Garroway, the inventor of it all.

I’m so tired

John Lennon is sick of the current transfer window (isn't everybody) and elicits Oskar Shindler to just deliver the final results of player moves in a simple list.

I want f*ckin’ goal line technology!

Crystal Palace's coach Neil Warnock is hot. One of the worst examples of a goal scored not given is the reason why. And, Warnock holds nothing back in his letter of complaint to Keith Hackett.

Do you smell gas?

Norman Bates ignores his mother and relishes in the terror that has suddenly befallen the Norwich City Football Club.

Nyet, Arsene

Alisher Usmanov, in his quest to wrest control of the Arsenal Football Club, writes a letter to manager Arsene Wenger, who is threatening to ruin Mr. Usmanov's credibility by opening the English Premier League with a surprising, sound whipping of Everton.

The furniture stays

June Ward needs help from her husband, Ward, who's out of town on a business trip. She's trying to decide if rearranging the same four pieces of living furniture (the "Big Four" is what she refers them as collectively) is the right thing to do. In her letter, she struggles with the idea of bringing in a replacement (recently reupholstered) for the winged-back French chair. Will Manchester City replace Arsenal in the EPL's "Big Four"?

Nicki, don’t lose that number

Nicholas Bendtner is in a bit of an embarrassing pickle. Leghorn writes him with a devious plan.

But I didn't want this to happen!

An adoring lunatic from America has a word or two for the whiny English press.

French league huh?

 Paul McCartney gets a bit nostalgic as he says hello to the opening of another French Ligue Un campaign.

No Animals Were Harmed During the Writing of This Post

 Norman Bates introduces himself to the Norwich City Football Club.

Prost!

 I love the German ladies. So does Professor Rath as he pays homage to the Blue Angel.

I've got you under my skin

Mark Hughes sends Alex Ferguson a note to make him look like the fool he often doesn't need help in revealing.