Your cheatin’ heart

Arthur Miller writes Arsenal striker Eduardo to warn him that the witch hunt analogy made by his coach may not be far from the truth, and to instruct the young footballer that he is now in The Crucible of determining what for some is good for the game of football, for better or for worse.

 

Dear Eduardo,

Well, you got yourself in a little mess, didn't you?

I have been involved in your predicament since your coach termed the campaign to get you banned a "witch hunt".

It has brought back memories: Abigail Williams running around rooms flailing her arms, ducking under chairs, trying to climb up the chimney, and other sordid stuff after she had been dancing in the woods with her cousin, Betty Paris and her uncle's slave from Barbados, Tituba.

Anyway, don't shrug this witch hunt stuff off, Eduardo. It ain't funny. Even in civilized countries, this type of fear mongering to get people banned from a variety of endeavors has happened on a pretty large scale. And methinks your coach thinks that UEFA is following the example of the US Senate of over a half a century ago. I know it's hard to see Michel Platini exactly as Joseph McCarthy's successor. But, hey! Who knows where this will lead? He might be right!

So, if you did drink a little chicken blood before last week's match, my advice to you is not to volunteer such information. Some things are better left unsaid!

I feel for you, Eduardo. Today you have your disciplinary hearing following UEFA's announcement last week, charging you with "deceiving the referee" and acting with "obvious intent to cause a match official to make an incorrect decision."

You know. Diving.

That practice of deception - some call it cheating - which some think will eventually bring down human culture.

But I think you are in good hands. Your club's management has issued a 19-page submission in your defense. Your coach says (watch here) that these charges "are a complete disgrace" and may have "opened a very dangerous door".

And I will likely testify at the hearing as an expert witness, myself having published on the subject of witchcraft.

I was pretty intrigued when I got the call from UEFA to assist, saying they were accused by your coach of conducting a witch hunt and all. When I was surfing YouTube to get some video on your performance, I was expecting to see you on the pitch doing a St. Vitus' Dance.

Well, all I saw (and you can too here) was you dropping like a duck full of buckshot when inside the 18-yard box in order to get a foul called on Celtic's goalkeeper so that your team could be awarded a penalty kick. Nice job. It worked!

You would have made a good stunt man!

But, Eduardo, I must level with you - I'm inclined to agree with the charge of intent to deceive the referee to gain an advantage.

Witchcraft? I saw no head spinning, frothing from the mouth, or any of the more common clinical symptoms of the result of voodoo or similar practices. So I don't think that UEFA will find you a witch, even though they might be looking for one. But you might be labeled as something that in football circles is nearly as treacherous.

But is what you did cheating?

Now that depends totally on your culture. The Brits look at diving as one of the purest and most despicable forms of cheating, because they are consumed with the ideal of the level playing field – fair play – fight like a man, and all that. And they view the referee as the ultimate authority figure in the game – one that should not be duped, deceived, or made to look bad.

However, if you grew up in Italy, for example, you would look at diving as a strategy! The English see the Italians as the dirtiest footballers on the planet. But the Italians use the term furbizia, the art of guile, as I learned from Andrea Tallarita's incredibly insightful article as follows. To Italians, cheating is doing something that your opponent cannot do, or exploiting resources they have no access to. Both sides can commit certain types of fouls, so that is not cheating. Both sides have the ability to take free kicks before the goalkeeper has set, so that is not cheating either. Verbal provocation of one's opponent is a classic form of furbizia (see Materazzi's verbal baiting of France's Zidane in the 2006 World Cup Final, resulting in Zidane's retaliating with a head butt to Materazzi's chest – but Zidane was ejected and Italy went on to win the match and the World Cup).

And yes, diving. A classic form of furbizia. Just watch this for some rather extreme examples.

You see, in Italy, the diver is not so much looked down upon as the referee that doesn't catch the diver. This is not so much strictly Italian football protocol as a natural extension of the total disrespect of authority figures by Italians, as argued in John Foot's fine book on Italian football.

To these footballers, football is an art, sometimes a dark art, art where guile is a major part of the tool box.

So here we have two irreconcilable visions of the same game. The fair-play nature of the English with the referee as a respected figure. The use of guile and gamesmanship of the Italians with the referee serving as the object of total distrust and disrespect.

I don't know where all this is going. I imagine not very far. It's been around for a long time, and will likely be with us years from now.

But a lot of people are out for blood on this issue. They want to make you the poster child of cheating. I don't think it's against you, personally. After all, a year and a half ago, no one garnered more sympathy from the entirety of European football than you did after the horrific injury you suffered in that match at Birmingham City. It is a minor medical miracle that you are playing again, or even walking with the foot you were born with.

But you are now in the cross fire of competing interests. And you may be made the example of a cheat.

You're in The Crucible of determining what for some is good for the game of football.

Unfortunately, it may not be very good for your reputation, win or lose.

Hang in there, son.

Signed,

Arthur

 

 

 

 

UPDATE:

UEFA ruled today that Eduardo will be suspended for two Champions League matches. He will miss Arsenal’s upcoming games at Standard Liege on 16 September and against Olympiacos on 29 September.

Arsenal Football Club have three days to lodge an appeal.

Now the pressure is squarely on UEFA to consistently hand out bans. The real test will come when it is a mega-star player that dives in a crucial part of a big match.

Tom Dunmore over at Pitch Invasion has an interesting take on the situation.

So does Joe Guarr at FoxSoccer.com's Bleacher Report.

FURTHER UPDATE:

Arsenal wins their appeal against UEFA's two-match ban of Eduardo and on 14 September 2009 UEFA overturns the ban.

 

 

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