Nyet, Arsene

Alisher Usmanov, in his quest to wrest control of the Arsenal Football Club, writes a letter to manager Arsene Wenger, who is threatening to ruin Mr. Usmanov's credibility by opening the English Premier League with a surprising, sound whipping of Everton.

Dear Mr. Wenger,

Well, you've gone and done it now.

Your little destruction of Everton at Ewood Park on Saturday is not supportive of my plan.

Look, I've put my big, fat neck (see picture below) on the line with my statements this past spring. I have money. We can spend it on players to get us to the Promised Land, for goodness sake.

I've been openly critical of you and your continual tinkering in the garage at night on your legacy project - developing these juveniles to do it your way. I've told the Arsenal Board of Directors over and over that this is a failed strategy, and a failed strategy in this economy with the club's debt where it is will bring ruin.

And the threat of ruin would be where I come in.

By refusing to spend money in the summer to get some big names with big-time experience, you gave me the opening I needed to convince the Arsenal Board of Directors that I have the answer, that I am the answer. So far, they've said they would listen to me, but in the end they've rejected me. I think the Board likes that idiotic American whose only great business strategy has been to marry a Wal-Mart heir. And the club's chief executive preaches all of that sustainability crap.

So, all I needed was for you to stubbornly keep to your goddamned sure-to-fail principles, maybe even lose in the upcoming Champions League Playoff Round against Glasgow Celtic and get eliminated before the Group Stage – all that expected and badly needed revenue out the window – and then as a few draws and losses would mount up in the league play, near-mutiny would spread through the supporters faster than the H1N1 virus.

Then January would come, another opportunity to buy needed players, but you would continue to refuse to spend money so as not to compromise your belief in your philosophies, and the club would find it staring at Manchester City's backside in a race for the Big Four.

And the Board would look to me.

But, instead… would you like the knife back that you just stabbed me with on Saturday?

All was working just fine until your squad played like they can beat anybody, anywhere, anytime – a stunning display of football played your way with your players under your philosophy. You served notice on Saturday to the footballing world that this might be the year that you and your unconventional approach may be validated.

Everybody has taken notice.

People will now start to really believe in your madness.

You look like a goddamned principled genius.

And I look like a fatcat, blowhard, criminal from a backwater of the old USSR.

Thanks for nothing.

Signed,

Alisher Usmanov

 

Comments

[Moncler jackets]

Next time I'll put on some lederhose and sing "Adelvice". That should shatter the Captain Von Trapp illusions most thoroughly..